I’ll Never

…be happy with my body, particularly my upper arms, legs and ass.

…be the kind of woman who turns heads.

…have a beautiful face.

…have perfect tits.  They’re too small and people keep telling me that over and over.

…have green eyes even though I try desperately to trick myself into believing they’re green.  They’re brown.  Like shit.

…be thin.  Thin = Beautiful.

…be the person I want to be.  Inside or out.  I’m stuck with what I have and that just makes me want to crawl in a hole and never leave.

…be a pretty bartender.

Despair

Doesn’t Know…

how I’ll pay for school supplies.

how I’ll pay for winter clothes.

how I’ll pay for new shoes.

how I’ll pay to replace the eye glasses that were broken in anger.

how I’ll pay for this last year of preschool.

how I’ll pay for Christmas Gifts.

how I’ll pay for Birthday Gifts and Parties.

how I’ll pay for Halloween Costumes.

how I’ll pay for the swim lessons that everyone thinks they need.

how I’ll pay for groceries and every other little thing these boys need.

how I’ll maintain that glass half full outlook that keeps me sane.  Cause if I’m down I have the weight of the happiness of the whole family on my shoulders.

This Week

…I’ll be walking Max three days.

…I have a my last crazy scheduled week at the bar.  Working Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

…I have to get some school stuff for the guys.  Mostly just a new outfit and sneakers.

…I’m planning a quiet Saturday.

…our whole family will be attending Jake’s Installation as Grand Knight on Sunday.

Weekend Update

First, I’ll start with Cruefest 2 last Wednesday.  Oops, I forgot to post a review.  The line up was Charm City Devils, Drowning Pool, Theory Of A Deadman, Godsmack, and Motley Crue.  There was a second stage with a bunch of unknowns, and maybe if we had planned better and it wasn’t so insane hot we would have seen them…  Anyway, we planned to meet at Jim’s house around 5.  Kate showed up a little late and had some last minute work stuff to tie up.  Once we were on the road we zipped through the drive thru of McDonald’s and went straight to the venue.  The “Comcast Center” will always be Great Woods to me.  We got in, each got a couple $9 beers, checked out the Merch table, and went to our lawn “seats”.  We had missed Charm City Devils and Drowning Pool.  Theory Of A Deadman was on stage.  They suck.  Really suck.  So we watched the crowd.  And they were awesome entertainment.  Lots of wannabes and posers.  Godsmack took the stage.  They were ok.  They could have been better.  Jim thought the large venue was their downfall.  Then Motley Crue took the stage.  We had gotten word earlier in the day that Tommy Lee would not be drumming.  That he burned his hand on some sparklers and would be replaced by Morgan Rose of Sevendust.  Tommy would be a “hypeman”.  Ok, that sounded interesting.  It was stupid.  Morgan Rose was awesome.  He did a great job.  Vince can’t sing to save his life.  We couldn’t hear Nikki Sixx at all.  Mick Mars was like the living dead – completely lifeless.  The timing was way off.  It became humorous – how horrible they were.  They were so bad, they were good, if that makes any sense.  They played the entire Dr. Feelgood record and then some of their hits “Home Sweet Home”, “SOLA”, and “New Tattoo”…  It was a performance lacking some effort.  But it was fun.

On Thursday Dave and I did a nice dinner at home, nothing to report.

Friday I had to work.  Dave and Kate came down to the bar to keep me company.  It was great.  Tips not so great…  Only about $40.  A typical Friday night.  Isn’t that sad?

Saturday I woke late and we went to the lake to spend the night.  We had dinner with my in-laws and saw our boys after a five day holiday…  It was a lot of fun.

Sunday I again, had to work.  I hate working Sundays!  So we left the lake early and I went home to shower, change, and head over to the bar.  It was dead and my boss is always there.  I call it Bash On Gigi Day.  He just spends his time ripping me a new asshole over all the things I’m doing wrong.  He started yelling at me about the schedule which is handled by another boss and I’ve been talking to him about it, as I should.  I told him that the miscommunication between the two of them isn’t my fault.  Anyway, they both came in and we had a meeting and the schedule is cleared up.  I’ll be working Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday nights.  I gave Sunday afternoons to the new girl…  I’m sure she’ll LOVE them!  After my pathetic day at the bar (only $10) in tips, I went home and had a “Pizza and Movie Night” with Jake and the boys.  It was a great night.

All in all, a pretty good weekend.

Walking Max

So often I forget how great exercising makes me feel.  It reduces my stress and depending on what I’m doing, it’s like a form of meditation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I took my dog, Max for a long walk today.  He’s little and tires out quickly.  I could have done four laps on the walking path but he could only do two.  We both need to get in some exercise and I have a lot of stress that can use a bit of mediation…  A win for both of us!

Sudden Realization

I had a much better summer last summer.  I still had friends that had kids that wanted to hang out with me.  And their lives went on.  They still do all those fun things we used to do with the kids, only without me…

Social Director

I’m tired of being the one that plans everything.  I honestly think if I didn’t plan to see my friends or invite myself along on their outings, I’d never get an invitation anywhere.  I don’t get invites out with the kids with the other moms I know, I don’t get invites to the movies or dinner with the girls I’m friends with, I don’t get family invites to barbecues, we don’t get invites out with the couples we’re friends with. If I’m not planning it, it never happens.  I’m tired of being the planner.  I’m going to sit back and let them make the plans and invite me along if they want.  If I get no invitations, I guess I know who my friends were.

This Week

….I’m going to start walking my dog, Max more often.  I’m inspired by my walks with Bai, my four-legged boyfriend.

…I have to reschedule doctors appointments and pay bills.

…I’m working at the bar on Monday and Friday.

…I’m going to Cruefest with Kate, Ally, and Jim!

…I have to start thinking about school clothes and supplies for my boys.

…I have nothing planned for the weekend.

Autumn Goals

In the summer of 2008, I made a list of ambitions I had for the season.  It was long and probably a bit too ambitious.  I got a fulfilled a few, but not as many as I’d like.  I’m doing it again but this time on a smaller scale and maybe I can get it all done!

…lose 20lbs by December 21st.  Kinda a long shot but not impossible.  Which translates to working out daily and eating well.

…attend church regularly.

…go apple picking and make my awesome apple crisp.

…go camping again in October.

…plan an adult party.  I haven’t had one in a while.

…save some money for Christmas.

…learn to care less about the antics that go on at the bar.

…walk my dog more often.

I have a million more.  However, I’m going to keep it simple.  Focus on the ones I feel are the most important.